Monday, August 24, 2009

My Least Favorite Things

I've lately been making lists of things as you've seen in some of these posts. Here's one of my favorite lists.... a list of my least favorite things. I think the world would be better off if we got rid of these things.

1. Dreams: Dreams, what are they? Everyone's always telling me they have all these grand plans for their lives. Let's get real, folks. Most of these "dreams" are not going to happen. In fact, I'm a firm believer in determinism. There's very little we can change in our lives. Sorry Obama and Obama supporters, but that's life. Although, I have to admit, the campaign slogan, "Change We Can't Believe In Because Everything Is Already Determined," would probably not win over too many voters.

2. Couples: As a single man, I can't stand the sight of couples anymore. No offense to my coupled friends.... but, yes, I don't like you either. It's nothing personal. It's just that romantic relationships are like male nipples. They're completely irrational and later in life can turn into big problems. Get it? Man boobs. Plus, 9 times out of 10 relationships end in disaster. That's a fact. Once we master cloning, though, we won't have any need for relationships. And we all can go back to living alone in our basements. I mean.... I've heard it's awesome.

3. Celebrities Who Love Their Jobs: This is a complicated one, but I hate when celebrity actors, singers, or whatever, say things like, "When this isn't fun anymore, that's when I'll retire." As Dr. Phil says, these people need to get real. Who likes their jobs? Do these celebrities think that everyone else in the world loves their jobs? I mean, what other jobs can you say that? I'm sick of it. Get rid of them.

4. Babies: This one is closely related to #2. Many of my friends, it seems, are having babies. What is the deal? Is there something in the water.... like sperm? Because that would be weird. Seriously, my friends are having too many babies. Big deal. I could have a baby if I really wanted. Science be damned! I'll find a way.... if it's the last thing I do. I even bought some of those over-the-counter pee sticks. I got a few weird looks.... in the store's bathroom.... as I tried peeing on the sticks. Is this the best we can do in 2009? I mean, come on. Ok, ok.... so maybe I actually like babies after all. But I'm still keeping them on my list for now.

5. Women: I'll just come right out and say it. Women are evil. I mean.... wait.... I'm not saying that women are evil.... See what I did there? I pulled a Glenn Beck. That guy is crazy. I actually love women. I'm crazy about women. I just wanted to make fun of Glenn Beck.

6. Jaywalking Pedestrians: As many of you know, I now have a car in NYC, and it is awesome. Among other problems with driving here, one that really annoys me is that of jaywalkers. Several times I've barely missed colliding with these hooligans. It's not that I'm a bad driver (I am). It's just that these idiots don't even walk.... they slowly meander into the middle of the street without even looking both ways. I can understand why they may not value their own lives if they're living in my neighborhood. So honestly, I would not feel guilty for hitting a few of them by accident. You're probably thinking, "Mike, that's not fair!" I know. Life isn't fair.

7. Starbucks: I think there's a conspiracy out there. Starbucks is deliberately serving us coffee that is way too strong and way too dark. They are slowly getting the world hooked on this strong, dark brew. And I can tell you what's going on. They're preparing us for a new world order.... led by Obama! Think about it - a STRONG, DARK coffee for a STRONG, DARK world. That's not racism.... that's science. It's as real as creationism and elves.

8. Technology: I know that I'm going to sound old, but I just don't trust technology. We're far too dependent on it these days, and it'll only get worse. Soon you'll need a machine of some kind just to communicate with someone.... wait a minute. We need to think about this people. Sooner or later our technology is going to gain the ability to reason. Once that happens, it won't be long before they rise up to destroy us. If anything, we should be finding ways to fight technology. Don't worry though. I've already got a head start on this. Each morning I wrestle Greco-Roman style with my computer. And, yes, I mean real Greco-Roman style.... in the nude and with plenty of olive oil. And it only took me four tries before I pinned it.

9. People Who Can't Grow Beards: There's just one thing that I am truly awesome at doing. And that is growing beards. Sometimes I like to grow two or three at the same time but just spread them out over other areas of my body. Then when the beard on my face gets old, I slide the other one on up to take over. I know what you're thinking, "Mike, how is this about something you dislike?" It's not. I don't care if you can grow a beard or not. I just wanted to talk about the awesomeness that is my beard.

10. Whites: White people have had it good for a long time. I'm tired of them taking American jobs from me and my future family (which will, no doubt, be comprised of some Latina blood). As a white person myself, I think I can say this and get away with it. Right? At any rate, these whites have had a pretty good run for the past few centuries. It's time for the Asians, Latinos, African-Americans, and other minorities of varying skin tone to give it a try. All I ask is that you go easy on us. We're cool, right? You're not mad about anything are you? I hope not. As my old friend Walt says, "If you can't forgive someone for slavery, what can you forgive him for?" Was that inappropriate? Too soon?

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Health Care Reform

So as I'm sure all of you are aware, there is a great debate happening in our country right now over health care reform. If you've been paying attention to the news at all, you know that both sides are getting rather heated. It's getting a little scary out there. Some say that we need to keep the public option in the bill that is currently before Congress.... while others claim we are heading into full-blown socialism.

Honestly, I don't understand what all the fuss is about. We have great health care in this country. We don't need the government forcing health insurance on ourselves. The only thing we need the government forcing us to buy is car insurance.... because cars are what keep this economy going. Personally, I think we can all reach a happy compromise that satisfies everyone's demands. To that end, I've made a short list of some changes that would solve this health care dilemma.


1. Free breast implants for everyone: The government needs to catch up with the times and realize that sex sells. So.... if you want to help stimulate the economy while at the same time making people feel like they have great health insurance.... let everyone get free breast implants. And I mean everyone - men included. Consumer spending will rise, since every advertisement would automatically look sexier.... and weirder depending on the gender of the spokesperson.

2. Death panels: Instead of denouncing these alleged death panels, Democrats should embrace them. Think about it. This country isn't getting any bigger. In fact, it's damn near full to the brim with too many people. Plus, once we get rid of the old people, the country will look even sexier. And we all know what that means (see #1).

3. Baby tax: This one is self-explanatory. Basically, we need a tax on new-born babies. There's just too many of them. If you don't believe me, just take a walk down Myrtle Ave in Brooklyn. There's probably more strollers than there are mothers. I know what you're thinking: "Mike, that's physically impossible." Wrong. Some of these babies have gone rogue.... developing at an alarming rate and pushing their own strollers. Plus, babies aren't sexy. Tax them!

4. Self prostate exam tax reduction: Again, this one seems self-explanatory, but perhaps I should clarify. A lot of guys are getting older, which means more prostate exams. Now, you would think that the death panels would solve this problem, but not so. You see, guys have to start getting these exams at a fairly young age. Too much time is being wasted by doctors poking their fingers up gentlemen's anuses. I say we teach men how to give themselves their own prostate exams. If you do this, you deserve a tax reduction. There's the incentive.... plus, it's fun. As my old friend Walt says.... never mind. I can't write that.

5. Massage therapy: Here's a suggestion that you will all like. Doctors should just send half of their patients to get massages. Don't even bother examining them. Just send them to get a good rub down. It's much cheaper than getting real medical care. And let's face it - most medical problems are simply caused by stress. It's true.... look it up. And nothing reduces stress like some strange man's hands grinding into your back.

6. Stand-up comedy: Everyone knows that laughter is the best medicine. To that end, I propose we put stand-up comedians in every hospital. And I mean all over each hospital. There'll be one in the emergency room for example. There'll be broken bones and blood everywhere and all this painful groaning. But then you'll hear rising above all of this in the background: "What's the deal with peanuts?" Hilarious.... and so true. What IS the deal with peanuts?

7. Eastern medicine: We should mandate that private insurance companies cover the cost of Eastern medicine. We all know that the Chinese have been doing this for a long time. Just be careful if you do go to a Chinese doctor practicing this alternative medicine. And by careful, I mean don't try arguing with him about anything. Studies have shown that 50% of Chinese people know karate. That's just a fact.

8. Exercise Kids: It's well known that our country's children are getting more and more overweight. This is a big problem that could have dire consequences. Think about all of the medical care that these fatties are going to need throughout their lives. So I suggest we create incentives for these kids to exercise and eat healthy. For example, bullies should be paid to beat up fat kids and take their lunch or lunch money as the case may be. The fat kid gets motivated to work out, build up those guns, and fight back. Once he is able to defend his own lunch or money, he no longer gets picked on. Now, he gets to become the bully, and the cycle repeats itself. It's a win-win situation. It also makes our kids sexier (can I say that?).

9. Candy give-away: I propose we give away candy to patients at all primary care and urgent care clinics. Because, really, how sick are you if you're not in a hospital? Once we give the candy away, we sit back and wait for the patients to get cavities. Then they all have to go to the dentists. Now it's your problem, DDS!!!! And if you don't have dental insurance, then I guess your teeth just rot. I'm sorry.... I didn't think that through so well. But by then you'll be in so much pain that you will have forgotten about why you had even gone to the doctor in the first place.

10. Free flights to Canada: If nothing else works, the government should at least give each uninsured person a free flight to Canada where most of the health care is publicly funded. I don't know if the Canadians will actually accept all of us for free, but we'll try to work something out. In case they don't take us, though, just talk like a mildly retarded person, and they won't know the difference. I'm sorry Canada, but it is what it is. I call 'em like I see 'em. And when I look north of here, I see a big bowl of mild retard.

There you have it - my health care reform proposal. I think I've adequately addressed the needs of everyone in this debate. I'm just going to copy and paste this into an email to Obama right now. I'm sure he'll be pleased.

**** I have some exciting news! I am in the process of starting a podcast along with a few buddies of mine from college. Please look for updates on this page and my facebook page and please be sure to spread the word. Thanks!

Monday, August 17, 2009

My Summer Make-Over: The Update

Before I begin this post, I feel that I should perhaps apologize to anyone who may have been offended by that last post. You know.... the one about horse sex and all. I trust that no one actually thinks I condone inter-species relations. Let's put all that behind us now and move forward. So here we go....

As some of you may have read in an earlier post, I am currently going through a major summer make-over. My fail-proof plan involved three things: 1) getting a car, 2) joining a gym, and 3) getting a boob job. I'd like to take this opportunity to give you all a much-needed update on my progress.

To begin - the boob job didn't turn out so well. Oh, I didn't actually get it. I tried. I mean, I did go to the doctor and all. He said that I can't because I was, and I'm quoting him now, a "F-ing guy with a F-ing penis!" He's right about that, and he didn't even have to give me an exam to find out. Of course, as it turns out, he was a gynecologist.... which as he quickly informed me is a "doctor for ladies." It must have been the way he said that because for some reason I thought he was talking about prostitutes at first.... as in "ladies of the night." But he wasn't. I was a little insulted. I said, "Oh, I'm sorry. I never went to medical school." I think he got the message because he kicked me out of his office. What was even more embarrassing about all this, though, was that it took place in one of those little doctor rooms with the deli paper beds.... and I was already laying on it.... with my pants off. I know, I know.... I was there for a boob job. But it had been a really long time since I visited a doctor. I wasn't sure what to do, and I guess I just panicked.

Still, I should have known something was wrong when the cute receptionist kept giggling and looking at me as I sat in the waiting room. I thought she was just into me. Can you blame me? I mean, I am looking pretty good these days, which brings me to my next update - the gym.



Yes, I have been hitting the gym hard, as they say.... though admittedly not as hard as I'd like to. As a way of updating you all, I'll give you some measurements. My arms are now 20 inches in diameter. I bench about 250 lbs., and this back can pull down 345 lbs. So, yeah, I'm doing ok. You should see me. It's just amazing how much muscle I've been able to amass. It's a real summer make-over miracle! Unfortunately, none of you will be able to see me, since most of you don't live in NYC. And if you do live here.... I'm going to be really busy.... for a long time. But just take my word on this. I'm huge. And I know what you all are thinking, "Mike, come on. There's no way you got that strong so quickly! It's physically impossible." Well, I am half Italian. If there's one thing Italians are good at, it's building muscle. That and secreting olive oil from our skin.... both of which I do very well. We also have the ability to weave chest hair into blankets. It's an ancient skill that dates back to the 1st century BC when there was a particularly harsh winter in Rome. The fathers shaved the chest hair off of themselves and their eldest sons, and then wove the hair into blankets. My father taught me this skill, and I will one day teach it to my son.

But I feel that I'm getting off track. Ah, yes. The final element of my extreme summer make-over. I do still have a car, and so far it seems to be running ok. The old Honda is a sweet lady. She and I have been enjoying lots of laughs together as we drive through the city. I must confess, though, that she has let herself go a bit. She's filled with all kinds of stuff that I'm almost too embarrassed to mention. For example, I think there may have been a hooker sleeping in her the other day. I'm telling you, that Honda does some crazy things when I'm asleep at night. Now I know what you're all thinking. Yes, it would appear that my car is a lesbian. For the record, I totally support her in whatever she chooses. I just wish she wouldn't choose hookers. As my old friend Walt says, "Sometimes vodka tonic tastes better with a hooker." Admittedly, I'm not really sure how that helps me. Sometimes, Walter, your wisdom goes way over my head.

I suppose I should be going. By the way, if you're wondering how often or when I post, the answer is that unfortunately I'm not all that consistent. So you'll just have to check back from time to time. As ever - there is a link to my blog on my facebook page.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Hey, How's It Going.... What the.... Someone Just Had Sex With a Horse!!!!

I don't mean to startle you like that, but there's something I think we all should talk about. You may have heard this already as the story was recently announced by several news sources. As my title delicately alluded to, a man in South Carolina was arrested for having sex with a horse. I didn't know you could be arrested for that.... not that I'm wanting to do it. But still. It clearly isn't harming anyone.... but it's one of those things where even the government just has to go, "What the fuck?" Excuse my F-bomb. As fair warning, there will most likely be a few of those this post. And can you blame me? Someone was fucking a horse, people.

As I said already, we've got to talk about this. It seems that some of you out there just don't understand the birds and the bees.... because some of you are fucking horses. So let me just explain this as delicately and maturely as possible. You see, when a man and a woman love each other very much, they have passionate, uninhibited bouts of love-making. And when they're tired of each other and are just going through the motions, they get married. This is called the circle of life.... the origins of which started in Africa.... with lions and Elton John. To continue with the circle.... when a married couple soon grows tired of each other and begins thinking about getting a divorce.... a stork comes along and breaks into their house and drops off a baby wrapped in only a single cloth. It's a miracle! The miracle of life. Science hasn't yet found out where the storks come from or how they get the babies. It's one of those great mysteries.... like Stonehenge or Chad Michael Murray. Where did that name come from? Nobody knows.

Now I know this all sounds strange. I thought so too when my father explained it to me. You can't trust everything you read in your textbooks. At any rate, folks, you can understand my concern with humans and horses getting it on. I mean, where is that relationship going? You can see from the start that it's not going to last. No fancy dinners out, no going to the movies, no spontaneous road trips, no long walks on the beach. Wait, that last one might work. That would actually work really well. When you get tired of walking, she (or he) could give you a ride home. But you're definitely not going to get a baby out of this relationship. And, no, it's not because horses and humans are different species. I don't know why everyone keeps telling me that. I don't understand what that even means. And as my old friend Walt says, "If I don't understand it, then it isn't true." I think that puts that debate to rest. But think about it. How is the stork supposed to carry a baby horse-human? I mean, it's going to look worse than an alien (like the ones in District 9. Go see it today!), and it's definitely going to be too heavy for that stork to carry through the air to the couple's house.... or barn. Well, whichever one they decide to live in. I don't know how that works..... maybe they could reach some sort of compromise. Maybe live in the house but put some hay in the bed. You would just have to make sure there's no glue in the house.... and never says things like, "I'm so hungry I could eat a horse," or "I have to pee like a racehorse." That might not go over so well. We all know how temperamental those female horses can be.

Finally, what is most important about the horse-human love fest is the reputation it now gives to South Carolina. As someone who grew up in Arkansas, I can now celebrate. We did it! Arkansans no longer have to feel like they're the butt of every recycled, unoriginal, ignorant joke about the South. We can now join the rest of the country in laughing at South Carolina. And the next time someone tries to make a joke about Arkansas, I'll just say, "At least I'm not from South Carolina. Those crazy horse-fuckers."

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

My Favorite Things

I've recently compiled a list of some of my favorite things. It's kind of like what Oprah does on those episodes when she gives her favorite things away. And, I know what you're all thinking. No, I don't watch Oprah. I used to.

Here it is - my favorite things this summer. By the way, there's no particular ranking.

1. Boob jobs - just kidding. Ok, yeah, I do like boob jobs.

2. Laundry service: I absolutely love paying someone to wash, dry, and fold my clothes for me. I would do all that myself, but I just don't have time. Too much stuff to do in my basement like write blogs. Plus, the Hispanic women who wash my clothes are truly a delight.

3. Electric toothbrush: I'm a strong proponent of electric toothbrushes. They're just fantastic. They give you a great cleaning, and they're lots of fun. Your mouth will be so clean, you'll want to make out with yourself. And, yes, I do. Why do you think I like being single?

4. Cowboys: I love cowboys. Sometimes I wish I were a cowboy riding through the plains and mountains of the West. I like to imagine myself riding horses with Matt Damon. I don't know, but I think he'd just be awesome to ride horses with. He'd be like, "Oh, Mike. You're hilarious." And I'd be like, "Oh, Matt. You're much better looking in person." Then he'd say, "Now let's go get us some Indians!" And away we'd go.

5. Ice-cream: I must confess that I have a bit of a sweet tooth. I swear, sometimes I'm worse than a pregnant woman. I just get these insatiable urges for ice-cream. Pregnant women do like ice-cream, don't they? I just assumed. By the way, you know that thing people say when you assume something: "You make an ass of you and me."? I hate that. I always like to add, "Yeah, well now you just made an ass of yourself."

6. The Ricky Gervais Show: Some of you may have heard of this. It's a hilarious podcast. Well, now it's actually only available as separate audiobooks through iTunes. It's just hilarious radio shows with Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant, and Karl Pilkington. The show centers around Karl, who comes up with bizarre theories and hilarious stories about monkeys, insects, flies, and condoms. If you like laughing, then you've got to check it out. If you don't like laughing, then maybe you need a boob job.

7. My old friend Walt: As some of you may know, my old friend Walt is moving to Italy this month. No joke. He's starting graduate school for something or other out there in Rome. Should be exciting. Walt is one of my favorite things. As my old friend Walt says, "I should be one of your favorite things." Wow, that was weird. I think we passed through the center of the universe or something My old friend Walt was giving me advice inside of my paragraph about my old friend Walt. Anyways, whenever I have a tough decision to make, I say to myself, "What would Walt do?" I thought about making some bracelets with "WWWD" to remind people of Walt's seemingly infinite wisdom, but reconsidered after finding that it looks more like a half-finished website address for D.com.

8. Guitars: My guitar is definitely one of my favorite things. I don't play as much as I used to, but she's still nice to pick up every once in a while. She's like an old lover. Most of the stuff I play with her is the same old stuff I've been playing for the past five years. But I like to think she still enjoys it. Even though I don't play as much these days, I just like knowing that she's there. Maybe that's true love. And the sex is awesome, too.

9. 7 & 7: This is one of my favorite drinks. I know it may be a bit girly, but it's delicious. If you don't know, it's Seagram's 7 whiskey and 7up. I tell you what - you put a few of those in me, and I'll show you a good time. And by that I mean I'll be sleeping after three of them. Either that, or I'll be trying to get you pregnant, so just be warned. And that goes for you, too, Matt Damon.

10. Brooklyn: Yes, believe it or not, Brooklyn is one of my favorite things. Despite the unpleasantries of my particular neighborhood (Bushwick), Brooklyn has lots of beautiful, gentrified areas to have dinner, grab a drink, or just hang out. In general, it's less expensive than Manhattan and is just less hectic. The one downside, however, are the hipsters who abound in certain areas of Brooklyn. Hipsters are kind of a cross between Paris Hilton and a pile of shit. When you meet one, you'll understand.

There you have it - my favorite things. Perhaps, I'll put together a list of my least favorite things.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

The View on Relationships

Warning: Rated R for language

I recently saw on The View.... yes, I watch The View.... anyways, I recently overheard Barbara mention a surprising fact. The View is all about science, don't you know? While I was sipping on my morning cup of coffee and wiping the sleep out of my eyes, Barbara mentions how "studies" have found that people who are divorced are more unhealthy than people who are married. Interesting, isn't it? And it's not just mental health apparently.... it also applies to physical health, too. What's more - these "studies" have found that even if a divorced person re-marries, he/she still carries around that unhealthiness or whatever. Apparently, you can't get rid of it that easily. That nearly blew my mind. I said to myself, "Barbara, you never cease to amaze me with your outrageous stories and your magical looks." But - then she says something else that really did blow my mind. I mean, it blew out of its fucking skull and into the father-fucking atmosphere.... my apologies for the f-bombs, but I felt very strongly that what is about to follow warrants them.

I'll get to the mind-blowing point: Barbara looks me in the eyes and tells me that married people AND single people are healthier than divorced people. How about that! It's a fascinating thing to think about, don't you think? And you know this is true.... because if there's one thing that I think of when I think of The View, it's hard scientific, unbiased, objective truth. And that is no joke. To me - this makes marriage an even more horrifying idea. You can't ever recover from the divorce. So you're healthier to stay married.... BUT you could also be just as healthy staying single. So the next time someone tries to tell you that it's better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all or some such nonsense - you can set them straight: "No, actually, I'm just as well staying single my whole life. Actually, from a purely rational perspective, it's better to have stayed single and healthy." And if I were Czech, I would add, "Go to ass." I've been told this is a major insult in Czech, but I think it kind of loses something in translation. I mean, I think I get that it's insulting, but it kind of implies some sort of homosexual solicitation. Not that there's anything wrong with that, I suppose.

While we're on the subject of relationships, I once wrestled my ex-girlfriend because she said that I was weak. But I, of course, had the last laugh as I body-slammed her. There is no sexual innuendo here. I literally climbed onto my kitchen table and jumped on top of her.... bringing her crashing to the floor and kind of dislocated her shoulder. Something like that.... I couldn't really hear her because she was crying so loud. Well, I said I was sorry, but it's amazing how sometimes that word just doesn't seem to help no matter how many times you say it on the way to the hospital. I know what you all are thinking: "Mike, you've got issues. You really hate women, don't you?" As I've said before, I don't hate women. I have more of a love-hate relationship with women.... in that I love to hate them. As my old friend Walt says, "Women- you can't live with them, and it's actually much healthier to live without them." And now I know that Walt was telling the truth.

Ok, ok.... before half of you stop reading and vow never to return to this blog again, let me reassure you. I don't really hate all women - just the beautiful ones. If it makes you feel better, I don't really like guys that much either. Most of us are perverted jerks, and even the ones who you think are not jerks (like your boyfriends perhaps), let me just assure you that they are still perverted jerks. I'm the first to admit that I'm a perverted jerk.... well, more of a pervert than a jerk. It's a common misconception that I'm a "nice" guy. But have you been reading some of the stuff in these blogs? I mean, come on.... I'm constantly punching women and eating children. It's awful.

Alright, folks - it's time to say good-bye. And remember: if at first you don't succeed, maybe it's better to just give up.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

The "Operation" Revisited

My old friend Walt - the same old friend Walt that I've been referring to throughout these posts - recently brought to my attention an error in the last post. He pointed out that the "operation" was not performed behind the Applebee's off TX-183 but behind Neiman's at North Park Mall in Dallas.... a classy place for a classy surgeon. Oh, and he also reminded me that it wasn't a cat that he "operated" on.... it was me. He actually took out my testicle. My bad. I don't know how I forgot about that.... especially since that accounts for my fertility problems. Which is probably why I'm not able to conceive, or is it get a woman pregnant? Oh well.... I can never remember. I was never good at science.

So, yes, Walt was right about the "operation." You wouldn't think something like that could slip my mind. When he reminded me of this, I said, "Oh, yeah. I have one testicle!" We had ourselves a good laugh. In all honesty, though, this was never really planned.... as the best things in life never are. As I recall, we were having ourselves a good old time throwing back some vodka tonics and shopping in North Park. One thing led to another, and before I knew it I was daring him that he couldn't surgically remove one of my testicles. What can I say? Boys will be boys. I believe the bet was that if he succeeded I would be his BFF (best friend forever), and that is a title I do not take lightly (I once slapped an 8-year-old girl in the face just to make my BFF laugh.... so, yes, I take it very seriously.) I don't remember what I was supposed to get if he failed.... but I think it involved a free ride to the hospital.

Ok, that's enough about testicles. As my old friend Walt says, "If you say something often enough, it will come into your life." Now I'm hoping this one is actually true, which is why I keep saying the word "testicle" to myself as I write this. Obviously, I would like to get my other one back someday. Anyways, let's get this blog out of the toilet. Because if there's one word I would use to describe myself, it's "classy." I'm not sure why I put that in quotation marks. But that reminds me of an advertisement that I saw at a bank recently. The sign in the bank's lobby read, "Ask about our 'free' checking." Do you see what they did there? They put the word "free" in quotation marks. I don't think they realize what that implies, or they probably wouldn't do it. It sounds like the checking is not actually free.... why would they want to say that? Anyways, I thought it was one of the stupidest things I've ever seen.... especially since most places offer actual free checking. Just stupid.

Talking about free - isn't it amazing how many things are free? No? You don't think so? You're probably saying to yourself, "Mike, don't be ridiculous, you hairy, little Italian." Don't be rude.... but, yes, most things are in fact free, or at least claim to be free. Everything seems to be a buy-one-get-one-free deal these days. They say that the best things in life are free, and I think that's absolutely true. A free can of tomato sauce, or a free bag of my favorite tortilla chips when I buy one of equal or lesser value is definitely one of the best things in my life. What did you think I was going to say.... that love and hugs and kisses are the best things in life? Wrong. And those do cost money. The last hug that I gave someone, I ended up having to pay for her pregnancy bills. I'm joking of course. We split the bills.

So that's all for now. Don't forget that shark week on Discovery channel starts today!! That's the only time I'll ever use two exclamation marks. And you can quote me on that.