As some of you know, I periodically grow a full and lustrous beard.... one that really makes the ladies take notice. In fact, my beards have had more success with women than I have. I'll just let you think real hard about that one. For those of you who have paid attention.... really way too much attention.... to my beard, you know that I tend to grow them in the fall and winter and go baby-faced in the spring and summer.... a baby with a five o'clock shadow.
Fall officially started last week, and the days are already getting cooler here in NYC. There's that magical fall feeling in the air.... it's a mix between swine flu and matzah balls. Yes, soon the children will be leaping through piles of fallen leaves, and the homeless will get relentless in their pursuit of my money.... money I don't have by the way. In all fairness to homeless people.... I don't like them. "Beat it, old homeless man! I wouldn't give you a single hair from my awesome beard!" That's not actually what I yell at them, but I think it. I don't give the homeless anything for free. I say make those guys earn it. As my old friend Walt says, "You can teach a man to fish, but getting him to fish for you feels so much better." I totally agree, Walter, and I've put your advice into practice for once. And, no, I'm not talking about buying pirated CDs and DVDs like some homeless sell on the street. I can buy those anywhere. What I want is something that I can't buy in stores. For example, I once gave a homeless guy $10 for walking in front of an oncoming bus. Why would I do that, you ask? Because I looked like a bad ass when I jumped in the street to save him. Now who's the idiot for giving a homeless guy $10? I just became an instant hero.
All of this points to only one thing: the beard is back. Now, read that statement again but with the song "The Boys Are Back in Town" playing in your head. And replace the words "boys are back in town" with "the beard is back on Mike's face".... just in case some of you couldn't figure that part out. This season, though, I'm offering the world something unprecedented. I'm going to document the growth of my beard by posting photos.... daily might be too much but maybe weekly. As Greg pointed out on the podcast, no one has actually asked me to provide this service. But, as I also mentioned on the show, I can't imagine a single reason why anyone wouldn't want to experience this with me.
All you'll have to do is come to my blog, and you'll be able to track my beard's growth into awesome, American manhood. Yeah, I like to think of it as similar to tracking the growth of a baby inside the womb. I can already tell what you're thinking.... yes, it will be like I'm pregnant and, yes, I am expecting to receive special treatment. So.... aren't you excited?! It'll be like you're right here with me.... watching our little beard child grow.... this is not to be confused with a bearded child. That's something completely different.... and entirely inappropriate in my mind.
You'll notice that there is not yet a photo of me up here. Well, I'm having to delay the actual Beard Challenge until next week.... I have a wedding to go to Saturday, and I've got to look my best. Clean-shaven is a good look and beard is a good look.... but in between is not really a great look. Again, it's like being pregnant.