Monday, December 21, 2009

My Christmas Wish List

Since Christmas is just a few days away, I thought I'd share with you some things that I want to receive this year. If you're scrambling to buy some last-minute gifts and need some ideas, you should definitely read this. In no particular order, here they are....

1. Neosporin: This stuff is great. I'm always cutting myself, and it really does help wounds heal faster.... something like 50% faster. I'm not sure about that, but feel free to quote me on that statistic. I'm no doctor, but as I've often said, it can't be that hard.... I think I'd make a really great doctor. Just rub some Neosporin on whatever hurts and say, "Hey, kid. Here's a lolly-pop."

2. Replaceable toothbrush heads: These are for those electric toothbrushes. If you don't have one yet, you really need to go out and buy one. In fact, forget about getting this as a gift for someone else. You need this for yourself. And it comes with my 100% guarantee that you'll be satisfied. If you're not happy with it, I'll personally brush your teeth for a month.... so you've got nothing to lose. It's a win-win situation.

3. Modelo Especial: No, I don't have a drinking problem, but I do have an insatiable craving for this Mexican beer. Try one today, and you'll forget all your troubles.... at least until you finish the bottle. But guess what. You've bought a six-pack. There's five more of those bad boys for you to enjoy!

4. iTunes Gift Cards: I'll be honest. iTunes is the best thing to happen to me, since I met an Italian woman on a plane en route to Rome. No joke. Of course, she ended up breaking my heart. But I once urinated in a dark alley in Rome.... so I guess she and I are even. Anyways, iTunes is amazing.... Music, movies, television.... it's all there! My stupid podcast is even on there.

5. Lou Reed: I recently discovered the awesomeness of this singer. Just incredible songs. I would love to hear some more of his music.... or if it could be arranged for me to meet him in person, that would be cool, too. Whichever is easier.

6. Canned salmon: This one is pretty simple. I really like canned salmon. In fact, I may have already mentioned this somewhere in the past.... but I make an awesome salmon pasta dish. I boil some rigatoni pasta, and while it's still hot I add some shredded sharp cheddar and parmesan. Then I add some olive oil and some black and cayenne pepper. Mix it all up and dig in! It will rock your world. I guarantee it. It's cheesy. It's salmony. Enough said. If you don't like, please let me know because there must be something terribly wrong with you. Like seriously mentally and physically wrong with you. I mean, once again, I'm no doctor, but I think I'm standing on pretty solid ground when I make that claim.

7. Orbit gum: You can never have too much gum, and Orbit is one of my favorites. I once chewed a single piece for four days straight. Somehow my body automatically adjusted to having gum in its mouth at night. That was back when I was young though.... in my wild days. Back when I would do crazy stuff like chew gum for four days straight just because I could. I was a real rebel.

8. Rogaine: I'm not losing my hair, but I just want to be prepared. Plus, I have an experiment that I want to try out. It involves my back, a friend, and a bottle of Rogaine. Ok, I'll just tell you. I want to be a werewolf. Not like as a costume for Halloween or anything. I mean, I want to literally become a werewolf.

9. Cigarettes: I don't actually smoke. I think smoking is terrible, but (damn it) they're cool. I like to imagine myself as a young Marlon Brando when I'm holding a cigarette in my mouth. I won't actually light it.... or if I do, I won't inhale. In a world increasingly hostile to smokers, I want to be beacon of hope.... albeit a hypocritical beacon of hope.

10. World peace: Just kidding. I don't really care about the world. I just couldn't think of anything else to write.